Bear News Beartown News
DECEMBER 1, 2000



The European Union commissioners have announced that agreement has been reached to adopt English as the prefered language for European communications, rather than German, which was the other possibility.
As part of the negotiations, Her Majesty's Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a five year phased plan for what will be known as Euro English (Euro for short).
In the first year, "s" will be used instead of the soft "c". Sertainly sivil servants will resieve this news with joy. Also, the hard "c" will be replaced with "k". Not only will this klear up konfusion, but typewriters kan have one less letter.
There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year, when the troublesome "ph" will be replaced by "f". This will make words like "fotograf" 20 persent shorter.
In the third year, publik akseptense of the new spelling kan be expeckted to reach the stage where more komplekated changes are possible. Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters, which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling. Also, al wil agre that the horible mes of silent "e"s in the languag is disgrasful, and they would go.
By the fourth year, peopl wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th" by "z" and "w" by "v".
During ze fifz yer, ve vil hav a reli sensibl riten styl. Zer wil b no mor trubls or difikultis and evrivun wil find it ezi tu undewrstand ech ozer.


Upon hearing of the inability of Americans to get an election, particularly the electile dysfunction in Florida, the Government of Japan is sending 20,000,000 units of Viagra to the United States.



How Government works

Once upon a time the government had a vast scrap yard in the middle of a desert. Congress said "Someone may steal from it at night.". So they created a night watchman position and hired a person for the job.
Then Congress said, "How does the watchman do his job without instruction?" So they created a planning department and hired two people, one person to write the instructions, and one person to do time studies.
Then Congress said, "How will we know the night watchman is doing the tasks correctly?" So they created a Quality Control department and hired two people. One to do the studies and one to write the reports.
Then Congress said, "How are these people going to get paid?" So they created the following positions, a time keeper and a payroll officer, then hired two people.
Then Congress said, "Who will be accountable for all of these people?" So they created an administrative section and hired three people, an Administrative Officer, Assistant Administrative Officer, and a Legal Secretary.
Then Congress said, "We have had this command in operation for one year and we are $20,000 over budget, we must cutback overall cost." So they laid off the night watchman.

One campaign consultant says he doesn't approve of political jokes. He's seen too many of them get elected.


Saddam Hussein was sitting in his office wondering who to invade when his telephone rang. "Hallo! Mr. Hussein," a heavily accented voice says. "This is Paddy, up in County Kildare, Ireland. I am ringing to inform you that we are offically declaring war on you!"
"Well Paddy," Saddam replies, "this is indeed important news! Tell me,how big is your army?"
"At this moment in time," says Paddy after a quick calculation, "there is meself, me cousin Sean, me next door neighbor Gerry and the entire dominoes team from the pub. The total is eight!"
Saddam sighs. "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 1 million men in my army waiting to move instantly on my command."
"Begorra!" says Paddy. "I'll have to ring you back!"
Sure enough, the next day Paddy rings back. "Right Mr. Hussein, the war is still on! We have managed to acquire some equipment!"
"And what equipment would that be, Paddy?" Saddam asks.
"Well, we have 2 combine harvesters, a bulldozer and Murphy's tractor from the farm."
Once more Saddam sighs. "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 16 thousand tanks, 14 thousand armored personnel carriers, and my Army has increased to 1 1/2 million since we last spoke."
"Begorra!" says Paddy "I'll have to ring you back!"
Sure enough, Paddy rings again the next day. "Right, Mr. Hussein, the war is still on! We have managed to get ourselves airborne! We've modified out Ted's ultra light with a couple of rifles in the cockpit and the bridge team has joined us as well!"
Saddam is silent for a minute, then sighs. "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 10 thousand bombers, 20 thousand Mig-19 attack planes, my military complex is surrounded by laser guided surface-to-air missile sites, and since we last spoke, my Army has increased to 2 million."
"Faith and begorra!" says Paddy, "I'll have to ring you back."
Sure enough, Paddy calls again the next day. "Mr. Hussein, I am sorry to tell you that we had a chat and have had to call off the war."
"I'm sorry to hear that," says Saddam. "Why the sudden change of heart?"
"Well," says Paddy, "we've all had a chat and
there's no way we can feed 2 million prisoners."



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