Bear News Beartown News
NOVEMBER 1, 2006



I met her on the highway ridin' shotgun;
I can still recall those training pants she wore;
She was talkin' in Swahili when she shot me,
and I knew we really lost the last World War;
I promised her I'd hate her dog forever;
She said to me her brother's name was Sy;
But who'd have thought she'd run off with a robot;
I guess I was too smashed to say goodbye.
I met her in the Stone Age all hunched over;
I can still recall the neon sign she wore;
She was chewin' on a hangnail with a wetback,
and I knew I'd have to scrape her off the floor;
She asked me if I'd play 'Go Fish' forever;
She said to me she loved my one blue eye;
But who'd have thought she'd wind up with a robot;
She freaked out on the lawn and screamed goodbye.
I met her in a treehouse poppin' uppers;
I can still recall that burlap bra she wore;
She was sobbin' at the toll booth with her cobra,
and I knew I'd have to scrape her off the floor;
The judge declared I'd live off her forever;
She said to me that Rolaids made her high;
But who'd have thought she'd wind up while in labor;
She told her dumb friend Grace to say goodbye.


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The Veterinarian

One Sunday, in counting the money in the weekly offering, the  pastor of a small church found a pink envelope containing $1,000. It happened again the next week. The following Sunday, he watched as the offering was collected  and saw a little old lady put the distinctive pink envelope in the plate. This went on for weeks until the pastor, overcome by curiosity, approached her.
 "Ma'am, I couldn't help but notice that you put $1,000 a week in the collection plate," he stated.
"Why yes," she replied, "every week my son sends me money, and I give some of it to the church."
The pastor replied,
"That's wonderful. How much does he send you?"
 The old lady said, "$10,000 a week."
 The pastor was amazed. "Your son is very successful; what does he  do for a living?"
 "He is a veterinarian," she answered.
 "That is an Honorable profession," the pastor said. "Where does he practice?"
 The old lady said proudly, "In Nevada. He has two cat houses in Las Vegas and one in Reno."


Hillary Clinton and her driver were cruising along a country road one
evening when an ancient cow loomed in front of the car. The driver
tried to avoid it but couldn't - the aged bovine was struck and killed.
Hillary told her driver to go up to the farmhouse and explain to the
owners what had happened. She stayed in the car making phone calls to lobbyists.
About an hour later the driver staggered back to the car with his
clothes in disarray. He was holding a half-empty bottle of expensive
wine in one hand, a rare, huge Cuban cigar in the other, and was smiling
happily, smeared with lipstick.
"What happened to you," asked Hillary?
"Well," the driver replied, "the farmer gave me the cigar, his wife gave me the wine, and their beautiful twin daughters gave me mad passionate kisses"!
"My God, what did you tell them?" asked Hillary.
The driver replied,
"I just stepped inside the door and said, I'm
Hillary Clinton's driver and I've just killed the old cow. The rest happened so fast I couldn't stop it."



Three Florida surgeons were playing golf together and discussing surgeries they had performed.
One of them said,
"I'm the best surgeon in Florida. In my favorite case, a concert pianist lost seven fingers in an accident, I reattached them, and 8 months later he performed a private concert for the Queen of England."
The second surgeon said.
"That's nothing. A young man lost an arm and both legs in an accident, I reattached them, and 2 years later he won a gold medal in track and field events in the Olympics."
The third surgeon said,
"You guys are amateurs. Several years ago a woman was high on cocaine and marijuana and she rode a horse head-on into a train traveling 80 miles an hour. All I had left to work with was the woman's blonde hair and the horse's rear end. I was able to put them together and now she's a senator from New York.


A man died and went to heaven. As he stood in front of St. Peter at the Pearly Gates, he saw a huge wall of clocks behind him. 
He asked, "What are all those clocks?" 
St. Peter answered, "Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone on Earth has a Lie-Clock. 
Every time you lie the hands on your clock will move." 

"Oh," said the man, "whose clock is that?" 
"That's Mother Teresa's. The hands have never moved, indicating that she never told a lie." 
"Incredible," said the man. "And whose clock is that one?" 
St. Peter responded, "That's Abraham Lincoln's clock. The hands have moved twice, telling us that Abe told only two lies in his entire life."
"Where's Bill Clinton's clock?" asked the man. 
"Clinton's clock is in Jesus' office. 
He's using it as a ceiling fan."


Copyright 2000 Claude Dern, All Rights Reserved
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Town Clerk Annette Cappy.


Copyright 2000 Claude Dern, All Rights Reserved
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