Bear News Beartown News
NOVEMBER 1, 2003



A very destructive earthquake with the strength of  8.1 on the Richter scale hits Mexico.
150,000 Mexicans die and over a million are injured. The country is totally ruined and the government doesn't know where to start with the rebuilding of their country. The rest of the world is in shock.
Canada sends troopers to help the Mexican army control the riots.
The European community sends food and money.
The United States, not to be outdone, sends 150,000 replacement Mexicans.
God Bless America!

A little boy and girl go trick or treating. They knock on the door of this house and the man who answers it says, "Well, you two are awful cute. Who are you supposed to be?"
"We're Jack and Jill" she replied.
The man says, "You can't be Jack and Jill, you're black!"
So, they go off and a while later they come back dressed differently. They ring the door bell and once again and the man opens the door. "Well now, that is just darn cute. Who are you this time?"
"We're Hansel and Gretel" says the little boy. "Well, I hate to disappoint you son, but you can't be Hansel and Gretel because you're black!"
Heads hung low, they leave. Not too much later the man hears the bell ringagain. This time when he opens the door there stand the two children butthis time they are BUCK NAKED.
"Oh my! And just who are you supposed to be now?!" he asks.
"Chocolate M & M's," said the little girl. "I'm plain. He's got nuts."


 Computer Lingo:
1. BYTE: how Lena stops Ole's advances.
2. LOG ON: dats how ya make da vood stove hotter.
3. LOG OFF: vhat Sven vas trying to do vhen he burnt his hands so terrible.
4. MONITOR: keep an eye on da vood stove.
5. MEGAHERTZ: ven a big log drops on your foot.
6. COMPACT DISK: vhat ya get from lifting logs dat's too heavy.
7. FLOPPY DISK: vhat da lefse looks like vhen it's cooked yust right.
8. RAM: da hydraulic ting dat makes da voodsplitter vork.
9. DRIVE: how you get home ven da snow's not too deep.
10. HARD DRIVE: dat's vhen you go to Dalute vhen da snow's deep.
11. PROMPT: vhat ya vish da mail vas during da snow season.
12. ENTER: vhen ya come on in!
13. WINDOWS: vhat ya shut vhen it gets 10 below out.
14. SCREEN: vaht ya gotta have in blackfly season.
15. CHIP: vhat ya munch on during da Vikings game.
16. MICROCHIP: vhat's left in da bottom of da bag vhen da big ones are gone.
17. MODEM: vhat ve did to da hayfields last yuly.
18. DOT MATRIX: Lars Matrix's vife.
19. LAPTOP: vhere da grandkids sit.
20. KEYBOARD: vher ya suppose to put da keys so da Missus can find em.
21. SOFTWARE: da plastic picnic utinsils.
22. HARDWARE: vhen da missus starches da undervare.
23. MOUSE: vhat leaves dem turds in da cupboard.
24. MAINFRAME: da part of da outhouse dat holds up da roof.
25. SERIAL PORT: vhere da Vheaties come from by boat to Dalute


Four retired guys are walking down a street in Chicago.  Then they turn a corner and see a sign that says  "Old Timer's Bar " " ALL DRINKS 10 CENTS ". They look at each other, then go in.
The old bartender says in a voice that carries across the room, "Come on in  and let me pour one for you, what'll it be, Gentlemen?"
There seems to be a fully stocked bar, so the men all ask for a martini.
In short order, the bartender serves up 4 iced martinis -- and says, "That'll be 10 cents each, please."
They can't believe their good luck. They pay the 40 cents, finish their martinis, and order another round.
Again, four excellent martinis are produced with the bartender again saying,  "That's 40 more cents, please."
They pay the 40 cents, but their curiosity is more than they can stand. They've each had two martinis and so far they've spent less than a  dollar.
Finally one of the men couldn't stand it any longer and asks the  bartender "How can you afford to serve martinis as good as these for a dime apiece?"
"Here's my story. I'm a retired tailor from Brooklyn, and I always  wanted to  own a bar. Last year I hit the lottery for $25 million and decided to open  this place. Every drink costs a dime, wine, liquor, beer, all the same."
"Wow. That's quite a story" says one of the men.
The four of them sipped at their martinis and couldn't help but notice three  other guys at the end of the bar who didn't have a drink in front of them,  and hadn't ordered anything the whole time they were there.
One man gestures at the three at the end of the bar without drinks and asks  the bartender, "What's with them?" The bartender says,
"They're seniors from Florida, they're waiting for happy hour."



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